And so I've quit my job...

    Chris and I have had some major life decisions we've been thinking about and praying about for the last four months or so.  Some people will think we are crazy, and some will applaud us, but in the end, it is not human opinion that matters, but that we are following where God leads.  It is scary, at least for me.  Very scary.  It is a step of faith and an exercise of trust.

    Let me start at the beginning.  Chris and I found out at the end of March that we could not have children naturally.  I was somewhat prepared for this because of my health history.  I have a history of endometriosis and when I was 24 the doctor discovered a grapefruit sized tumor wrapped around my ovary.  In less than a month, the tumor was removed along with the ovary.  The doctor assured me I could still have children, but as the years passed, I could tell she believed my chances diminished.  I was still in my 20's when she made a comment I needed to think about having a baby soon.  The problem for me was that I wasn't married and I did not plan to have a child out of wedlock. So, that somewhat took the timing out of my hands.

    Fast forward to this last year.  Through a series events I ended up at a specialist who decided the first major step would be exploratory surgery for endometriosis since my symptoms pointed to a regrowth, though no tumors seemed to be present from the ultrasounds.  That surgery confirmed growth along my remaining ovary which was removed, but also showed that the fallopian tube to that ovary was blocked at the smallest point of the tube.  He cleaned out everything he could, but the fallopian tube remained blocked.

    Our option became IVF.  Our doctor was highly recommended and his success rate is over 80%.  That success rate comes from the extensive genetic testing on several embryos and the implantation of the most viable one into the uterus.  It also comes at the price tag of somewhere over $20,000.  So, we faced a dilemma and a moral decision.  I believe abortion is wrong, but I can understand how medically speaking if there are no brainwaves yet, society at large doesn't have a problem with terminating the growth of an embryo. But I don't base my decision on medical or scientific knowledge (because how can medical or scientific knowledge determine when soul/spirit begins?).  I base it on the Bible and because of my belief in a Creator, I have to base my decisions on what I believe the Creator says about the issue.  That means I believe life may start at conception.  If life starts at conception, then an embryo is life and I'm not willing to put my own desires above what is morally right.  I cannot condone throwing away embryos, so that was not an option.  Yes, they can also be donated for embryo adoption, or keeping them and implanting more later, but that wasn't something we wanted or could afford. 

    We could go another route and just fertilize a set number of eggs and then have them all implanted, which would mean higher chances of miscarriage and higher chances of multiples.  Twins I'd love...triplets I'd cope...anything more I'd rather not risk.  Not to mention that the higher your number of children in the womb, the earlier they are born, and the higher chances of health issues.  Could I handle going through the process and then miscarrying, which is a real possibility?  Ultimately this is all in God's hand, but is all that worth my desire to have my own flesh and blood?  Especially when there are children out there who need good homes?  Does a child have to be my flesh and blood to make it special or can any child brought into our home and lives be just as special?  

    (Please note, I understand the difficulty of infertility, the desire to have your own child, and I do not stand in judgement of others who do not agree with me about an embryo being life...but we could not go against our conscience in this matter when faced with this decision.   All of these types of decisions are very difficult, very personal, and hard to navigate.  Ultimately, it came down to Chris and I not having peace about IVF in general, not because we believe it is wrong, but it wasn't the right decision for us.  We did have a peace about adoption.)

    Chris and I decided before we even got married that adoption was an option, even if we could have our own flesh and blood children.  We hoped one day we could adopt and/or foster, but preferably after we had our own and they had grown a bit.  This is where all those discussions become real.  This is the test.  Did we mean what we said?  I knew I did, but how does my husband feel about this? Was he still going to be supportive?  Would he still love me as much, now that I can't give him his own flesh and blood.  Would I hold true to my convictions about life and conception now that it's not just talk but it's reality?

    I'm so incredibly grateful that Chris has such a true and pure heart.  Never once did he make me feel less, never once did he make me question my worth or value to him.  He has been nothing but wonderful and supportive.  It just confirms all the reasons I married him.  I did not have a peace about IVF, and I did have a peace about looking into adoption.  We prayed and both felt that was the right direction.  Next step was finding out about foster care and adoption.  Do we go with foster care only? Foster to adopt?  Private adoption?  International?  Open adoption, closed adoption?  Wow...I never knew it was so complicated.

    We went to a county orientation, went to a private adoption agency orientation, a church informational meeting on orphan care.  We spoke to people at different agencies.  We realized that the $25,000 for private was not the best option.  While the government does help out with a tax refund which cuts the cost in half, that was still not the route we wanted to take.  So, we've settled on foster to adopt, through a non-profit family service agency.

    Chris and I had it planned all along that I would not work when we had children.  I don't know how people teach and parent at the same time.  Teaching is really so draining to me.  I've felt for many years that I was not cut out to teach.  That's why I went back to get my PPS credential...but so far a counseling position has not worked out.  So, we based our mortgage on Chris' income alone and as a bonus found a place that allows us a rental unit, allowing us to not be as tightly budgeted.

    The process for foster/adoption is long and not guaranteed.  We don't see any reason we will be denied, and so if all goes smoothly, we could have a placement by December or January.  That would be in the middle of the school year, and so rather than interrupting the school year, we decided it was best for me to resign now.  I chose resignation versus leave of absence so I can hopefully substitute closer to home.  Driving 40-60 minutes each way to work is not a good option, even if I did need to continue working.  I figured at this point if I need to work again, I'd rather have a job in a nearby district and I need to start making connections and getting my foot in the door.  I think subbing is one of the best ways to do that.  So, with much trepidation, I resigned a few weeks ago.

    It was harder and scarier than I thought.  Fifteen years of being a teacher in Santa Ana had become a huge part of who I am.  I fully believe it is the right move, but trusting that we will be okay financially is tough.  I have a lot of fear financially and I know much of it stems from growing up in a financially uncertain childhood.  I like having a savings account and I don't like being in debt.  I like not having to worry over every purchase and being "comfortable".  I like being able to splurge every now and then and have nice things.

    Ultimately though, that is not what life is about.  Being materially comfortable will be meaningless in the end.  Helping children who have been through some really tough things have a stable home and shown love will be much more rewarding than a bigger house, nicer car, or even more boots (if you know me, you know I love my boots).  This isn't an easy attitude, and I look around me, especially in south Orange County, and see what everyone else has.  It's easy to want it...and the thought continually creeps into my head that if I just kept working at a paying job we could have more. I know myself though, and I know if I want to be able to pour into these little lives that come from brokenness, I can't spread myself too thin.  That needs to be my focus. 

    I'm scared...I've been reading books on foster care and adoption.  The attachment difficulties, the impact on the brain, even in utero, of trauma and malnutrition, the developmental delays, the PTSD, all makes me question if I'm ready for this or can handle it.  The reality is, I've been working with many of these types of students in the classroom for years...but now we are talking having them in my home.  I'm much more of a one-on-one or small group person, and that's the part of my job teaching I always enjoyed the most.  So, I think I'm up for the challenge.  But we will need prayer.  We will need understanding and compassion, and a lack of judgement if our children struggle and we struggle. 

    I'm also excited.  I don't know who is going to be placed with us...what they will look like, their personalities, their possibilities.  I'm looking forward to the smiles of enjoyment, the laughter of excitement as healing takes place and new experiences are discovered.  I'm excited to build deep relationships and to grow.  

    We have several hurdles ahead of us...we've just started this process.  But, God is faithful and I'd rather follow where He leads than be on my own.  One last thought...I love the book of James:

 James 1:27 - Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world".